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seo-roast

Get your website's SEO roasted by 26 legendary personas — Elon Musk, Trump, Hemingway, Dostoevsky, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, and more.

npx seo-roast example.com
npx seo-roast example.com --persona trump
npx seo-roast example.com --persona hemingway

Zero dependencies. Zero config. Zero cost.

Personas (26)

Writers

Persona Flag
Ernest Hemingway --persona hemingway
Marcel Proust --persona proust
George Orwell --persona orwell
J.R.R. Tolkien --persona tolkien
Vladimir Nabokov --persona nabokov
Agatha Christie --persona christie
Mikhail Bulgakov --persona bulgakov
Fyodor Dostoevsky --persona dostoevsky
Strugatsky Brothers --persona strugatsky
Ray Bradbury --persona bradbury

Tech Leaders

Persona Flag
Elon Musk --persona musk
Sam Altman --persona altman
Steve Jobs --persona jobs
Jeff Bezos --persona bezos

Public Figures

Persona Flag
Donald Trump --persona trump

Entertainment

Persona Flag
Quentin Tarantino --persona tarantino
Christopher Nolan --persona nolan
Ryan Reynolds --persona reynolds
Keanu Reeves --persona keanu

Creators

Persona Flag
MrBeast --persona mrbeast
Taylor Swift --persona swift
Kanye West --persona kanye
Zendaya --persona zendaya
Timothee Chalamet --persona chalamet
Billie Eilish --persona billie

What it checks

  • Title tag (presence, length)
  • Meta description (presence, length)
  • H1 tags (presence, count)
  • HTTPS
  • Page load speed
  • robots.txt
  • sitemap.xml
  • Canonical tag
  • Viewport meta
  • Image alt tags
  • Script count
  • HTML size

Options

-p, --persona <id>   Choose persona (default: random)
-l, --list           List all available personas
-h, --help           Show help

Examples

# Random persona
npx seo-roast competitor.com

# Specific persona
npx seo-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien

# List all personas
npx seo-roast --list

How it works

  1. Fetches your page + robots.txt + sitemap.xml
  2. Analyzes 12 SEO signals
  3. Generates a roast in the selected persona's voice
  4. Gives you a score from F to A

No API keys. No LLM calls. Everything runs locally with zero dependencies.

License

MIT - Citedy

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Get your website SEO roasted by 26 legendary personas

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